Category: Let's talk
so often we talk about people we know, saying "my friend x " and "my friend y", but all too often the term friend is a good term to talk about the people we know.
But tre those people really friends? could you call them up at 3 in the morning to talk about your deepest darkest problems? could you knock on their door and fall into their arms sobbing? would they give you their last penny and would you do the same for them?
Or are those we term as "friends" merely aquaintences?
Well, it's a problem of definition I suppose. Does a "friend" have to be someone you can wake up in the middle of the night when you are bored, or only in emergencies, or someone you would feel comfortable borrowing money from, or just someone you know.
I'm not even sure where I draw the line, especially people I've only met online.
I consider myself to have around 15 friends (most of them from my old swim team), they've often been there for me, we meet regularly, party, watch movies, hang out, exchange presents when one gets married or has a baby etc, I haven't gone crying and throwing myself into their arms yet and I certainly don't plan to, not unless they catch me when I'm passing out or something.
"Friend" also just is so much easier to say than acquaintance, to me that's also just someone you really don't have much in common with and it's more of a polite conversation because you happen to meet somewhere rather than you plan to meet up somewhere.
But, of course, that's just my definition and I think it's just a highly personal matter whom you consider friends and what criteria they have to fulfil.
cheers
-B
I agree with Clara. I say friend when I really mean acquaintance a lot of times and close friend when I mean an actual friend. I have three best friends. One of eight years, one of six years, and one of four. Do I always talk to them? No, but I can tell them things I'd never tell anyone else. Then I've got eight friends at school--all guys--who I don't always talk to. But I know that if I need anything, any one of those eight would help me the very best that they possibly could. Does that make them less of friends because I can't tell them anything the way I could my three best friends? Not in my book. B also has a good point when it comes to "real life" friends and online friends. It's kind of hard to draw the line. I tend to volunteer information about myself more quickly with people I can trace through real life and warm up to them faster. I've often said that voice chat is voice chat. I love each and every person whom I chat with regularly, but there are very few who i will talk to beyond that. It's nothing personal; it's just my way of not getting too much into the internet world. However, I might feel free to go to one of those people if I just needed to vent. Does that make them any less of friends because I don't have one on one conversations with them all the time? To answer that question, I ask myself this question. Would I encorporate these people into my life given the chance? I haven't sat around and thought of the answer to that question for each and every online friend. Those that I can trace through real life would be a definite yes. So, in summary, a friend to me is anyone I can vent to or anyone I can go to if I was in a crisis and needed something. Are my online friends any less friends to me? No, they just serve a different purpose in my life. I give my online friends less priority sometimes, but to compare online friends with real life friends is like apples and oranges. I know this was a very long post, but I needed to say a lot of things.
Rosie
I agree with b, i'm not sure where i draw the line iether, i've got some great online frieds and some non-online friends...
well obviously the references to sobbing etc were just extremes,.
I do think though that there is a vast difference between online and rl friendship, and think that online friendship is far less sustainable than rl friendship.
That's not to say that online friends can't become rl friends if you meet them in person etc, but I think that if you're friends with someone online, then there comes a point where you go separate ways and do your own things and where, if you lose touch, it's far more difficult to pick up where you left off then with rl friends.
I disagree that online friendships are less sustainable than real life friendships. There are a handful of people I've met online, maybe four or five, that I'd consider just as important to me as offline friends. I feel comfortable telling them things I don't tell anyone else, they've been there to listen to me rant and to comfort me, and to be happy with me when something good happens in my life, and I've done the same for them. And a couple of them have woken up in the middle of the night to talk to me. I don't get close to many people, and there aren't many people I'd consider really close friends, but just because they're online friends and we've never met does not make them any different at all from my offline friends in my book.
But, as B said, I do think it's a matter of personal interpreatation. I honestly don't think I've ever referred to someone as a friend if I didn't really consider them so. If they're someone I only consider to be an acquaintance, I usually don't talk about them much anyway, because they're not a significant part of my life, and if I do, I usually say 'this girl/guy I know'.
hmmm, I agree that it's possible to get as close to an online friend as a rl one, to tell them thingsyou wouldn't potentially tell people in rl, and that for the dduration of that friendship that friend is important, but I would be interested to see how many online friendships are still as strong in 5, 10, 20 years time, when the friends live in different parts of the world and are going through different changes in their lives, ie getting married/having children, all things that as online friends you are unable to share in fully.
I talk to people online that I would consider my friends, but my best online friends are the ones that I knew in rl before encountering them again in the online world.
I think online friendship certainly is a differnt category to a real life one in some ways. On the upside you may feel more comfortable telling some things to an online friend (and that friend may be separated from your real life so he/she can give good advice if you need advice, your other friends may know each other and be the source of your worrying). But I still it's not the same as real life friends, not necessarily worse, just different. I like being able to hang out with friends, watch a movie, play instruments, have a few drinks .. all that is just so hard to do online. And of course the same risk faces online friendship as online dating (although to a lesser degree). Friendships are more forgiving, less jealous, less intense, less possessive so I think they have the potential to last a lifetime even if people change, but they will need care and attention, even more than real life friendships.
I do think, to me, a good definition for a friend is someone you can not meet or talk to for 3 years, then sit down with that person and actually have a fun and enjoyable conversation and feel like you're at home instantly.
cheers
-B
I actually think it would be easier to stay in touch with an online friend as years go by than with some real life friends. I've lost touch with a number of old friends who have moved away, gotten married, had kids, etc. But with someone you've met online, chances are they already don't live near you, so distance never becomes a problem, and keeping in touch via e-mail, instant messaging, etc. is so easy. Yes, you can keep in touch with real life friends via these methods, but something changes in the relationship when you or they move. But with a relationship that starts out online, this is not an issue.
Since friends are to me what family is to most people, I use the word "friend" much more selectively than most people, but I realize that there is no hard and fast definition of friendship. I don't think of online and other long-distance friendships as being in a different category from so-called real-life friendships, because I regard my online and other long-distance correspondence as part of my real life. Of course, this is largely a matter of personal values and lifestyle. Since I am primarily concerned with the life of the mind, I don't need to be physically close to someone to feel close to them intellectually or emotionally, and I can feel very distant from people who are in my physical vicinity. For someone who thinks of a good friend as someone you can sit down and have a beer with or touch or hug or have sex with, the idea of having long-distance friends isn't going to make much sense. I wouldn't try to argue for one view being superior or more correct than the other, as I think much of personality is hardwired.
I agree that online relationships can be less stable. I think we all need real life connections. Real life should be the first thing that matters, because real life is the real world. And if you drown yourself in the online world, you could end up making nothing of your life--if you go deep enough. But this topic was about who I consider friends. And as I said, i treat my online friendships differently, but that doesn't make them not friends in my book.
My on line friends mean just as much to me as my real life friends do, and I for one would never try to seperate that. Most of my real life friends have moved away, and have busier lives than I do, but we try to keep intuch. wich is not that easy, given that I have only sighted real life friends, and not very many of thoes either, cause we all just drifted apart. I do here from at least 2 of them, but more offern than not, it's my on line friends I turn to for advice and to talk to about things I wouldn't tell my real life friends. I will say this though, my closest friend (someone I'd consider my best friend), and I do regularly talk to each other through msn, because he is a radio anouncer, and has about 2 other jobs in that field, so he is mainly on line anyway, and yes, we do live in the same town. I value all my friends on line and off line, and I would like to think that they value my friendship as well.
This is interesting. I would say I have a lot of friends, but I don't trust everything to all of them. I have been burned by people that said they were my friend and when you help them out either with a loan or trust them not to tell something that you have asked them not to say anything to anyone and they do, then trust goes away. I personally have a few friends that we may not talk for a long time but if they need me or I need them they have never let me down and I have been there for them to as well. to me its about trust, and that's hard to earn from me because I may be have counted on to many of the wrong people. I love to chat and meet people, but I have learned you have to be careful on who is really a true friend. and I do think you can have friendships over the internet as well.
I even hold most of my "friends" at a distance.